a mixed feelin semester
end of sem archi design 301 dinner
Life’s a nuisance… that’s what I felt over the semester, can say damm suay siow... a lot of difficulty that needs to be resolved time to time, from personal to friendship. Since the beginning I was deeply sadden when I realize my god sister Tae left Australia, a real friend that we can talk about our problems and somehow sometimes cry to, always encouraging each other and make sure I’m alright. My situation getting worse when my good friend (eat, sleep, slack, study together for 3 years) went back to johore for good, 2 weeks after I’m back in Perth. How painful it was to send a friend off that gone through all ups and downs together in this bloody Aussie land. At the airport, I’m the only one to send him off, when about 2 leave, he kinda scold me to study hard… lol; he’s always a brother to me ahhaha… anyway, my tears starts to drop right after watching him walking thru the departure gate. There goes another one… one by one are leaving Perth and most of them are important to me. Anyhow my life continues, being so lonely and empty for weeks, hiding in my room almost all the time. Not really used to it at that moment, I lost some good friends to talk or to crap with. The only people I can look at that time were hpin and my hk housemate, my housemate, he’s friendly but it just that i can’t really click with him, and maybe he’s younger than me 3 years old. Everyone knows that hpin is my close friend but I can’t always go n find her. At one point that I called josh n teong for supper, I don’t remember why, but I recall that day my mom ran away from home for 2 days, and a few days later my dad having problem with his eyesight. (Would like to thank hpin for the mini Gohonzon, my prayers was answered not long after the incident) Not only that, I having problem with my course department which gave me a lot of pressure and stress. All these come together in the beginning of the semester. How the hell one can tahan??? Think if u are in my shoe what u gonna do? I been keeping my entire problem in me, always hiding it behind my mask and no one knows how painful and sad I am all these while. I don’t want my family to break in to two and I don’t want to see my 3 years of hard work in university just blown off. Committing suicide was always on my mind, but I comfort myself with the word karma. Maybe this is the time that I need to pay….all that I done in my previous life. I know a lot of ppl telling me that I’m so bless, I have a good life and I travel anywhere where I want. I really pleased with what im having now, but these entire problems drive me nuts… I can’t wait the day the doc says that im having mental illness.
Having teong josh Joe cherry ken n jess as my close friend nowadays seems helping me a lot. I don’t know them well at the first place to be honest but somehow all of a sudden I manage to place them a part of my life later on at the beginning of sem. I started to share some of my problems wit teong and cherry which I consider them as my brother n sister and they eventually gave me their advice and support. The time that we all spend together before 22 of April I believe is my happiest time for years. I never had that feeling for a long long time. But the time was very short. Things will never be the same again after that. Not long later the second semester break starts, I took a short break back to M’sia and Taiwan. I really want to get away from Perth and msia after all the problem that im facing, all I want is to be alone, rest and forget everything. A few days back in Perth, my fuckin depression came back. I have no idea why the heck im depressing about, im so confused, maybe I was worried that things might worse. This time my depression had created a huge tornado that somehow blows off some of my friendship. I do mad about myself about this but I can’t do anything. Some friends turn to be cold at me after that, not willing to approach me anymore. I miss the warm of my friends to me and I have working out my best in restoring back the destruction that I made. To one of my friend out there, I seriously don’t want this to happen, I appreciate ur help + ur care all these while and listen to me when I need to talk, I know that u are very tired nowadays to listen and talk about this, anyway we manage to get some conversation when I was drunk, I forgot most of the conversation that night but I do remember that I promise myself n u that I will repair and rebuilt the bridge. I think I almost done wit it and I still waiting. There’s still something I want 2 say but I don’t know whether I got the chance or not. Anyhow I really want this good friendship to continue…..
I know that I suffer a lot nowadays wit my own reasons, but I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me. I don’t need any of that. That’s y in the 1st place I keep everything myself. X told me, why u keep everything in urself? One day u will burst out. Yes I know, one day… but who in the world willing to listen. Yes parents will, but do u want them to worry about you? After all I learn a lesson this semester… I still don’t know that whether to still sharing my problems or just to keep in myself, Im so scare and confused after what I did previously Maybe hpin was right, some ppl just turn off when they see someone’s worse condition…
Ann SuetLing a loud speaker with an ummmmp sub woofer…is another person always nags me and always saying about treating my friends so good. But she won’t complain that I treating her so well. I’m not boasting or promoting myself here. She always ask me ‘will ur friends appreciate what u had done for them?’, I can’t really answer that, but I do believe they will. Anyway Ling n I end up as the Asian Architects n interiors union gossip subject. Wing, Angie and Jennifer in particular saying that there’s affair going on wit me n her. Of cos no lah. After a few months saying no no no… now some gossip saying I got affair wit XYZ. Haiz…. Architecture student too stress nowadays, always finding some new gossip, n I dun mind being rebound for some ppl …. U know who u are.. lol jkjk. A few weeks ago something happen, I bet everyone that knows me were shock that all of a sudden I have a girlfriend, honestly I was shock as well … and in 2 days the whole world knows. I felt being pressured after having a girlfriend, its like having more stones in my bag. I know it happened in a bad time, where I still have lots of things to be done. Anyway I decided to end this relationship after 2 weeks because I not that ready and as an archi student, I have no time to spend with her. So bad of me, but what to do.
Talking about smoking, to be honest I started smoking when I was in London 6 months ago, not that my friends influence me or what so ever, but I try out to release my stress. Silly me, It doesn’t really work for me. all my friends were shocked to see me smoke. Cherry, teong, joe… basically the ams bunch of ppl were shock to see me smoke after a dinner with them. She added that I had a drastic change from last year. Quite a lot of ppl told me that but I some how cant see it at the beginning of the year. A few weeks ago, I promise wing and some of my friends that I will stop, yes I will stop… but I maybe will smoke socially when I’m in clubs or when someone offer.
At the end, all I just hope that god will help me in everything im doing and hope that everything will go smoothly. Now I having stress with my unit enrolment for the next semester and I totally don’t know what will happen when I step back in Perth next 2 months. It would be good where everything will be solved and moving forward n I do hope that one day some of my friends out there will be my very good friend. I wrote this down not that I want everyone to know what happened to me, so that they can help me or talk to me, but I wrote this down as a summary or a record for me, what had I done or felt during the whole semester. I will work hard and hope to change to a better person
posted by choonwee at
5:21 am
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