my eyes will close forever

After reading Cassie’s blog, I having the same feeling right now like her as well, but what to do, I always hiding in a mask, pretend that nothing happen. This morning, I had a weird dream, I dreamt of attending someone’s funeral. But it dint really disturb me. I called my mom a few hours later n realized that one of my grand aunt pass away a few days ago, and today is her funeral. I was deeply sadden by this, even thou im not close wit her, but there’s still a kind of connection between us. This reminds me of my grandma’s sister, committed suicide weeks before Chinese New Year, she jumped into the sea. My aunt told me she was ok and they had a chat a day before she died, but the next day, her neighbors found out, came and ask my aunt about her having her lights and house door open the whole night. They went and look 4 her and she’s not there until some islander found her body near the river shore, I cant believed that it was her. She’s been living by herself and a frequent traveler to the mainland and other states to visit her children how can an active and lovely women commit suicide…. My parents were in Singapore at that time and I was responsible to attend her funeral. At her funeral, I stand beside her coffin and I had a final look of her, I can’t hold back my tears when I look at her face, I had a feeling that I don’t know how 2 explain. I wish that I know her well.

later in the evening, I had dinner at my friends place and help to make coconut egg spread (kaya), the process of making that, recalls my childhood memory with my grandmother. I used to make kaya wit her and other work with her as well when she stayed wit my family years ago. Now she’s back with us, and I had this feeling that I should spent some time wit her. I decided to go back to Malaysia this 1 week mid semester break and since there’s no plan for me during the holiday. my grandaunt incident made me more appreciate the life of my close one.

What I learn from death is that everyone has to face it, no matter of how a person thinks about it we still have to go thru that stage of life. Is the mater of how we see it so that we can appreciate our life and others more. Treat our close one well, family, relatives and friends, enjoy every single moment wit them, try to forgive and forget and compromise each other.…. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me tomorrow, maybe u still can see me talking to u or maybe it's the last time you are talking to me before my eyes closes forever……